Peter turned and saw that the disciple whom Jesus loved was following them. (This was the one who had leaned back against Jesus at the supper and had said, “Lord, who is going to betray you?”) When Peter saw him, he asked, “Lord, what about him?” Jesus answered, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you? You must follow me.” Because of this, the rumor spread among the believers that this disciple would not die. But Jesus did not say that he would not die; he only said, “If I want him to remain alive until I return, what is that to you?” This is the disciple who testifies to these things and who wrote them down. We know that his testimony is true.

John 21:20-24

Many people, including myself, have been a bit confused by the moniker that John gives himself as he is writing the gospel: “The disciple whom Jesus loved.” Does that mean that Jesus loved one disciple more than he did others? Does it mean that Jesus played favorites? Is it a comparison between them?

It wasn’t until sometime later that I realized that it was only in the Apostle John’s writings that this name for John appeared. When I realized this, I saw that rather than a comparison between disciples (which as we know, John and his brother James had earlier requested to be at the important right hand of Jesus when He came in His glory), but rather, as John’s way of seeing and knowing himself: he was loved by Jesus, despite all and overwhelmingly so.

This name that John gives himself in his writings shows up first at the Lord’s supper when John is sitting next to Jesus (it says reclining because they sat on the floor to eat) and he is asked by Peter to find out from Jesus who it is amongst them who will betray the Lord. John refers to himself from that point on as “the disciple whom Jesus loved.” Importantly, one must realize that the verses in Luke and Matthew that describe the request of James and John to a prominent place in Jesus’ kingdom (i.e., with or prompted by their mother), happened at an earlier point and most likely, the indignant feelings that the other disciples felt at this request (Mark 10:41-45; Matthew 20:20-28) for favoritism and the rebuke of Jesus at it, must have humbled John and James.

Jesus felt hurt and disappointment that John and James had so deeply misunderstood his message. He calls them all to remember that His kingdom is not like earthly kingdoms where the leaders “lord it over” people, but rather, “whoever wants to become great among you must be your servant,  and whoever wants to be first must be slave of all.”  Jesus said basically that James and John were thinking the way the world works, the opposite of His Kingdom way. They were thinking in a way that opposes His kingdom.

One can imagine that continuing to follow Jesus after such moment of shame—note that John doesn’t mention the incident at all in his gospel—must have humbled John to the core and truly caused him to focus on the forgiveness and love that Jesus had for him, despite this and other failings. John shows in his writings that he thought of himself from then on only within the framework as one loved by Jesus.

“The one whom Jesus loved” had become his identity.